After a good night’s rest, a nice hot bath and my natural remedy meds I’m back to my ‘ol happy self. The meds I take are an alternative to taking anti-depressants. It’s funny how the word is so “hush” and taboo. Even typing it, I couldn’t help but have second thoughts about even mentioning it. But it’s so normal. Just check out these statistics from last year :
The good news for me as I have learned more about myself is that I am normal – and there is hope. I learned I didn’t have to be on medication (I was so worried because of all the known side effects). I learned for me it was just matter of my brain being depleted of natural neurotransmitters / amino acids. This is why I take 5HTP and Gaba. When my body gets too overdriven with anxiety, my levels drop dramatically – I get really depressed, tired, having zero interest in things I normally enjoy – I think/feel food will make everything all better, etc. People often believe that if you get depressed, you are immediately broken and helpless. It’s not true – you just haven’t discovered the right tools to manage – and heal yourself.
The question that is left in my mind is, are people born with this – or is it a result of environmental influences? I’m almost inclined to say that it’s both. Someone could be born with the weakness to become an alcoholic – but never is tempted because he/she grew up never being offered or tempted by it because it never was available. Whereas someone else – with the same vulnerability could grow up with alcohol in the house and then becomes a raging alcoholic. That person isn’t doomed, he/she just has a rough road ahead of them in re-tracing back their steps to when it all began for them and starting fresh with LOTS of help from Counselors, friends, family & God!
***
These are just the thoughts that are passing through my mind right now. I’ve recently made a list of my triggers that get me down. Part of my personality that desires to be perfect – but has learned to be patient with progress. My instinct is to want to fix everything that doesn’t bring happiness for me or those around me, right away and immediately – but over the recent years I’ve learned that I have to let nature take its course so it can be a long lasting result and not just temporary gratification. I have learned to better keep to my word when I say I’ll do something, or let people know that things might take longer – and not give false expectations. Everyone always wants to be the best at everything, but some are just slower than others – but are still able to provide the same or maybe better results. 
I have listed things such as: Controlling my reactions in a more positive and kind and tender way. Rather than being distressed that Clark repeatedly leaves his socks strewn on the floor and not placed in the hamper, I kindly remind him that it would help if he would, and pick them up. Little things like that, and other things that I have listed, and then written beside them a positive affirmation that tells me that I already am doing __________ or good at _____________. I cannot dwell on what I am not, or say to myself I struggle with _x_. It’s necessary to acknowledge negative beliefs or weaknesses, and educate yourself on what it is that is holding you back from what you’d like to be, but as soon as you acknowledge, it is necessary to focus on the positive. Keep the end goal in mind and feel the result. For instance, I’d LOVE to be at my end goal weight of 104. I’m far from it, but I can’t focus on that. I need to focus on the end goal number and feel the result. Tell myself and help myself believe that I am already 104, or “pretend” that i am, and then do everything possible to make that happen. Eat right, exercise, LOVE myself. Praise myself for all the positive decisions I make that help my body be at its healthiest. Forgive myself for anything that might not help.
What got me down yesterday was a combination of a few things. Stress produced over the recent week. The fact that I felt the bad day coming on, and I just wanted to feel the raw emotions, so I didn’t take my ‘meds’ yesterday. I took them this morning and my experiment worked quite well. I got all my raw feelings out yesterday and today is a new high! That’s the nice thing about taking these Natural ‘remedies’ because you can more easily and more safely experiment. There are no negative side effects because it’s all natural. If you take too much of either, the worst thing that could happen (from what I have learned so far) is that you just get REALLY tired. Then you know you’ve taken more than you need.
***
I have asked my counselor how I can fix my sensitivity. My ENTIRE life, everyone from my family, to school teachers, to employers have told me that I am WAY too sensitive. It’s funny, I find it harder to cry when everyone else cries (i.e. funeral, in church, sad movie, etc), but if I get embarrassed, angry, or upset with myself I can cry at the drop of a hat. My Counselor told me this, “Becky, I don’t think it would be a good idea to fix your sensitivity because it is clearly a gift that enables you to produce such amazing Poetry and Art. Without your intense emotions – you’ll be deprived of the great tool that helps your gift flourish! Da’Vinci, Mozart, Einstein all battled with depression – and look at what they were able to create! “
I look at my down days as an opportunity to brainstorm about great Art, new ideas and a day to clearly look at how I can improve and polish myself. This week – even though I had some rough days so far, I took the opportuniy to dive deep inside myself and plan ahead for a stronger ME. Lately I have been so happy and comfortable in my own skin – which is a HUGE milestone for me.
Like a Diamond has to be polished and chiseled down to a perfect shape so it can shine brightly, so will I. But it takes time and patience. I’m getting there. 
__________________________
Please Note: [Read This]
As happy as I have been lately, these kind of days today are inevitable, normal, and part of the natural man (aka – human). Today, my body and mind wants nothing but these items:
Dark Chocolate
Big Fluffy Bed
My spirit wants to do these:
Work
Exercise
Today I’m just tired, worn out – looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.
We go for walks.
Thanks for the visit Mom and Dad, we had fun!
We even had the special opportunity to seal my eldest twin brothers to our family for time and all eternity in the Los Angeles Temple. After being born, they didn’t live very long. They would be 44 this year. They have waited a long time for this! It was an incredible experience. One I will treasure forever.
They keep getting sweeter and sweeter.
For our Anniversary (Mar 3) Clark and I went out to a restaurant we save for very special occasions because it is muy expensivo! We went to Outback Steakhouse! SO yummy!!! We both got steaks that just melted in your mouth, it was SO delicious!
Fancy drinks in fancy glasses is another special thing we do and this night I got a (NA) Pina Colada! Mmm… before our main course we got a bloom’n onion and a salad. It was a perfect night!
After dinner we took a walk in the rain and then went to a bookstore and had ice cream. We then came home and cuddled while we watched LOST.
At the end of the day we both agreed that this night was as fun and romantic as our honeymoon. I LOVE this man of mine!!! I am so happy!
Another change of large proportion! Since lately I have been feeling 10x better about myself I have been inspired and motivated to help our 
apartment feel better about itself. Basically helping my surroundings look more like how I feel. So, Clark and I have been switching up our place, getting rid of A LOT of STUFF. We have decided to take each room one at a time and re-style it with new fix’n’s. We started with the Bedroom, and will move on to the main room and then the kitchen. Having removed so much in our bedroom, we have condensed our closet space to half, and moved the food-storage to the empty half of the closet, saved A LOT of room in our bedroom. Now we don’t have to go to bed dreaming of food. haha!
WOW! Big changes, and it feels sooooo good to have a clean and organized house. It’s so symbolic this change. Removing all this ‘junk’ in my head, my mind feeling so FREE and clear and more organized. It’s so true that your surroundings affect how you feel about yourself. Clean house – clean mind, filled with joy! I literally feel the spirit growing in our home and it feels wonderful.
That is mainly what we have been working on this week besides – just working. One new habit we applied to our daily life is removing TV from Monday through Thursday. I’m so grateful for DVR 
So we party it up big time on the weekends, movies and TV & going out and having fun at the Beach. But MY-OH-MY does a simple act of moving TV – time to only weekends make a HUGE difference! Clark and I never realized how long days can be when you do that. We find ourselves doing so much more work, or hobbies that we always felt we didn’t have time for, etc etc. I think this will be a permanent change to our daily lifestyle. It helps in so many ways to make you feel like you have LOTS more time in a day to get things done.
Work has been really busy lately, but still fun. We’re meeting deadlines for this upcoming week – releasing new website themes and a new company site. I have been making video tutorials, written tutorials and keeping up with the customer support. A lot of people out there in the world can’t wait until 5pm to stop working, I feel that way too – except, since there is SO many things on my work ‘to – do’ list, it’s hard for me to actually physically STOP working. Clark has been helping me to breathe – stand up and walk away from the computer or get out of the house. Then I can switch off my ‘working’ mindset and let go and leave it until tomorrow. It’s hard, but my life is getting less rigid and more relaxed and flexible and spontaneous.
I know I might sound like a ’seriously so blessed’ person lately, but I can’t help but shout out to the world of what a difference Charity makes in renewing your life. That life doesn’t have to be taken so seriously. If someone is mean to you, or you have a hard time understanding why he/she did that or chose to make that decision in life or – whatever – it doesn’t matter. When you’re in the mindset of what’s in it for them, and you make the best choice: to LOVE, it makes ALLLLL the difference in their world and yours! There is so much beauty and love and happiness in the world, that there is no reason to doubt that God will help you in whatever struggle you may have in your life. Give it time, have patience, God will send you angels – pay attention to the subtle messages He sends you and you will find your life slowly but surely becoming brighter and better each day! You will feel stronger and more confident!
I still have down days, but they are not nearly as bad as they used to be. I’m still growing, still learning and building up my strength, but I see success and further joy closer down the road and it’s exciting!
I hope for everyone who reads this, whatever you might be thinking – that you always seek for ways to remove the critical thoughts, or judgment or assumptions you might have for people in your life – and replace these ‘beliefs’ with loving thoughts. Ask yourself “What’s in it for them, if I have this belief about them? Does it help them become a better person? Does it help me feel more love for them and myself?” . It takes practice, but believe you me – you’ll find your life much more happy by working on this little by little each day. You might be shocked at how active your mind may be, in its negative beliefs, whether they be about yourself or others. Replacing negativity with positivity is ALWAYS a good thing.
Processing your request, Please wait....