Rebecca's Blog

Dear [future] Children,

I have come to realize thus far in my 25 years of life, what it really means to see yourself as God sees you. This lesson I have had to learn slowly, and later in my years when I was ready to ‘hear’ it.

I grew up surrounded by ‘visual aids’ who would – for the most part (not always)- show the opposite. I would hear them say to themselves “I really need to lose this middle” or “My skin isn’t good enough, I could look better” or “Nobody will want me, because I’m fat” etc… All this energy in thought spent on wishing they looked anything but how they are now. It’s not their fault in the least that I grew up knowing that is how you talk to yourself normally. I honestly didn’t know any better, and neither did they. Victims of victims is what you call it. There is no one to blame. Only an opportunity to break that destructive habit and hope others will follow.

So, as your Daddy and I were watching TV the other night, something dawned on me. I said aloud, “I get it! I just now get it!” We were watching ‘Dating in the Dark’ and one of the girl contestants was a more curvy girl. Someone who I could relate to. But, what I particularly liked about her was that she had an air of confidence about herself. She obviously knew she was more curvy than the other girls, but you could tell she didn’t think less of herself. She carried herself as if she was just as beautiful as the other girls. I saw her, as she saw herself. I get it! As you learn to love yourself, and treat yourself as someone beautiful no matter what your shape may be – others will learn to see you as you see yourself. Pity yourself, others will pity you, etc. I get it!

I also realized more clearly than I have until now – that all these years I didn’t know any better. I only treated myself, how I saw was normal. This is what I hope to change for all of you. I pray that through your whole life, you see a Mother who walks with an ‘air of confidence’ and that you know that your Mom treats herself with tenderness & love, and radiates the same love to everyone around her. She never speaks down about herself or about anyone else. I pray through this example, you learn what is a normal way to speak to yourself – that you know nothing different than words & actions of love.

Of course its good to strive for the healthiest body possible, but no matter what- along the way – you love yourself unconditionally.

Loves & Kisses,

Momma ♥

Jumping forward a little bit in these ‘Chapters of Life‘ , because this topic has been on my mind this past week as I have experienced Friends vs. “Friends”. I am sincerely not complaining about this, as I have realized that this is LIFE and why I feel that I want to add this topic as its own chapter on my Blog/Journal. Something I want ME to remember (or to remind myself) as well as my kids to know that it’s normal and it’s not THEM. Because if the genetics pass down being sensitive and easily taking things personal – hopefully I can spare them the unnecessary concern.

I grew up with some select friends and it seems like the moment I got married, they all vanished. I’ve come across a few other friends who have experienced the same scenario. They too ask themselves, “Did I do anything? Have I changed… for the worse? What happened?!”. The ‘vanished friends’ came around, we started chit-chatting here and there – and then *poof!* Gone again.

Others got married as well, and the silence is even more profound. I have attempted to call, email – leave notes on the infamous Facebook ‘Wall’ (Hey bonus! At least they wanted to be ‘virtual friends’ haha! )… no response. Do I stink?

Ok, I’ll be honest- I did cry. Sensitive ‘ol me. But then after I prayed about it, thought about it – I have realized… I don’t stink, I’m not lame and I haven’t changed for the worse- but I have changed. Right along with life, people change and sometimes they don’t fit compatibly anymore. The road of life divides and sometimes “Friends” decide they don’t want to be on your same road, ‘just because’. Not for any bad or good reason, just because they choose a different route.

I don’t take it personal, but it does sting no doubt. It hurts to lose someone you care about to the wind, but hopefully they drift back in my direction at some point in the future – because I would love to talk again and reminiscence about old times. I want to know how their life is going, if I can help or just be someone they vent to. I would love to meet up when we have kids and have them play together and be friends like we were. But… it takes two to make a friendship work, and no sense wasting time speaking to a ‘brick wall’ and worrying if I said/did something wrong -  if they aren’t giving back the same effort as I am extending forward [in friendship] towards their direction. All I can do is let them know in the best way I know how – that I am here anytime they want to be friends.

If I could be granted 1 wish for my children, if I could do only 1 thing right – I would hope and pray that my children grow up surrounded with such a grand abundance of Love that Anger could never be able to dwell in their presence.

I wrote earlier about how sensitive I am. I grew up with both a lot of challenges surrounding me, but also with love. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything – because as hard as part of my ‘growing up years’ was – I learned SO much and it made me who I am today. There is a lot that I want to remember, because it’s worth learning from.

Every child, with few possible exceptions, is the product of a home, be it good, bad, or indifferent. As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernible, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful. And as mercy is given and taught by parents, it will be repeated in the lives and actions of the next generation (from Ensign, May 1990, 70).

How often do we stop and listen to ourselves when we get ‘haughty’ or short-tempered? How often do we stop and think of how this will affect our children or the children who are a part of our lives? Do we excuse ourselves from the dinner table when a disagreement is sparked between us and a family member/spouse and go to a private room to resolve it peacefully? Or do we take the selfish route and belittle our spouse/relative/friend in front of our children?

There are several people I grew up with who you could TOTALLY tell their parents had contention between them. It radiates off their body like a fresh bruise, a bruise of a broken heart in their eyes. I don’t think we realize how much it means to a child to feel secure like a warm blanket wrapped around them – knowing their parents love each other. To go home to a house founded and created upon love – the same love that brought them into this world.

If I learned anything from the recent book I read for part of my counseling, is that we are all victims of victims and if we grew up with a negative influence/experience in our lives and we refuse to learn how to STOP the habit – we will by instinct and learned behavior give our children the same experience and the same learned behavior. There is NO one to blame, but ourselves if we don’t stop the habit. It’s not our parents, it’s not our childhood school teacher, it’s not the neighbor next door – or the distant relative’s fault. It’s our own fault if we don’t seek help and guidance in how to grow OUT of the habit, let it all go and become the better person. We can’t change others, but we can change and refine ourselves – because we are always in control of ourselves.

Alma 30: 25

25 Ye say that this people is a guilty and a fallen people, because of the transgression of a parent. Behold, I say that a child is not guilty because of its parents.

Often times children fall victim of an unaware parent/teacher/relative/”friend” who reacts upon learned behavior and here is what happens:

Witnessing anger or conflict can be aversive for children and it is often associated with increased arousal, distress, and aggression as well as long-term adjustment difficulties including behavioral, emotional, social, and academic problems. Children from homes characterized by high conflict appear to be vulnerable to externalizing problems such as verbal and physical aggression, noncompliance, and delinquency, as well as internalizing problems such as depression and anxiety (Cummings and Davies 1994). Typically, however, stronger associations are found with externalizing rather than internalizing problems. Living with marital conflict also increases the risk of children displaying poor interpersonal skills and low levels of social competence (Cummings, Davies, and Campbell 2000).

Summary of the Research on the Effects of Conflict

* Some children respond to parental conflict by acting out. They may demonstrate behavior problems, increased anger and inability to manage anger, violent behavior, delinquency, and gang involvement.

* Some children respond to parental conflict by turning inward. They are likely to demonstrate depression (we are prescribing anti-depressants for children at an alarming rate), isolation from friends and activities, physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, ulcers etc., and substance abuse.

* Children who are exposed to parental conflict do not interact well with others. These kids often have very poor social skills, low self esteem and poor relationships when they become adults.

* Some children exposed to high conflict have trouble thinking. Advances in neuropsychology have shown that when exposed to conflict our brains release stress hormones that over time can actually change brain functioning. Scary stuff! The effects of being exposed to conflict show up as problems in school, truancy, impaired thinking (things like problem-solving, abstract reasoning, memory are affected) and symptoms that mimic Attention Deficit Disorder.

["The Effects of Conflict The High Price Your Children Pay"]

Let us not hurt the ones we love the most by selfish criticism! In our families, small arguments and petty criticisms, if allowed to go unchecked, can poison relationships and escalate into estrangements, even abuse and divorce. Instead, just like we learned with the poisonous venom, we must “make full haste” to reduce arguments, eliminate ridicule, do away with criticism, and remove resentment and anger. We cannot afford to let such dangerous passions ruminate—not even one day.

The Savior said, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” 5

This is not to say that forgiveness is easy. When someone has hurt us or those we care about, that pain can almost be overwhelming. It can feel as if the pain or the injustice is the most important thing in the world and that we have no choice but to seek vengeance. But Christ, the Prince of Peace, teaches us a better way. It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.

["Forgiveness Will Change Bitterness to Love"]

We’re all trying our best, and never want to hurt our children. But it’s worth evaluating our actions with an open and honest [and humble] mind. It’s never too late to fix what might be broken…

Forgiveness really is key. We HAVE TO let go, or else we will forever be bound by the contention – by the evil that hurt us.

We cannot change, if we don’t understand the root of where our neg. behavior stems from. In order to discover, we have to be patient with ourselves and others. We have to be willing and open to forgive, and to allow God to help us heal. Be willing to feel at times pain, sadness and fear. Allow ourselves to feel, and to let love in. To trust in our feelings and trust others again. To forgive and choose to love, as God loves. To say His same words “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Because it’s true… if someone honestly realized what they were doing – and the consequences thereof, do you truly feel they would continue doing what they were doing? I think they would run like heck, hide and repent like their life depended on it – because it does!

The actual change begins with the Forgiveness – which means letting go >> choose to love unconditionally >> and forgetting as God remembers our trespasses no more. The greater sin is not forgiving- and how can we feel happy if we hold on to the negative? God can’t bless us with His healing love if we block His gift with negativity. We HAVE to let it go, and give it to the wind COMPLETELY so the change can be permanent.

Knowing that we are in mortality to learn and to develop our faith, we should understand that there must be opposition in all things. During a family council in my own home, my wife said, “When you may think that someone has a perfect family, you just do not know them well enough.”

Brothers and sisters, as parents let us heed the admonition, even the rebuke, given by the Lord to Joseph Smith and the leaders of the Church in 1833 to “set in order [our] own house” (D&C 93:43). “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40). “Set in order [our] family, and see that they are more diligent and concerned at home, and pray always, or they shall be removed out of their place” (D&C 93:50).

The prophets of our day have given a similar admonition and warning to parents to set in order our families. May we be blessed with the inspiration and love to meet opposition with faith within our families. We will then know that our trials are to draw us closer to the Lord and to one another. May we listen to a prophet’s voice and set in order our own homes (see D&C 93:41–49). The family is strengthened as we draw near to the Lord, and each member of the family is strengthened as we lift and strengthen and love and care for one another. “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together” (Quaker proverb).

["Strengthening Families: Our Sacred Duty"]

Moro. 8: 10

10 Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach—repentance and baptism unto those who are ^aaccountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little ^bchildren, and they shall all be saved with their little children.

Forward

Why do I share? These days I don’t really know what to BLOG about – but I do know what I want to Journal about. Stuff I want to remember – so I can better understand why I feel the way I feel, and why I do the things I do in the present/future. This way life becomes less confusing. Also, I want to journal about my past, present and future-hopes, to share with my children – so they can understand me better and possibly themselves. So yeah – you may wonder why does Becky write about this – that’s weird… ummm… well – if you don’t understand, that’s unfortunate. I’m sorry you don’t – but I do and that’s why I’m writing about it It’s medicinal.

I’ll write them in Chapters… kind of like a Biography book – because this will be about all major events in my life that make-up me. Like a recipe, these are all my ingredients- both big and small in measure. If you want to know what makes Rebecca – Rebecca, these are it. They won’t all be as gloomy as this first chapter – I thought I’d start with the darkish and end with the light. Because as I understand and survive the dark, my life gets lighter and lighter.

The long and the short of it, I have a fear of people dying – leaving me behind. Logic makes sense when you stop and think about it- they’re going to a much better place. They become your angels, and everything is ok. I get it. But still, when I think of Clark possibly dying – it makes me cry and freak out internally. To better understand why I feel the way I feel, I’ll start from the beginning…

When I was brought into my family – I had only one grandparent. When I was 5 years old, he passed away. I didn’t think much of it at the time – but when Kindergarten came around the corner and they had ‘Grandparent’s Day’ – I walked up to my Mom and said “But I don’t have anyone to bring to school with me?” I ended up bringing my Grandpa’s sister to school – but it still wasn’t the same.

I sat in my bedroom the day ‘Grandparent’s Day’ was announced, and cried and cried. Alone in my room I said a little 7 year olds prayer, asking my Grandpa – the only one I knew – “Please Grandpa Don, if you’re near me – please show me a sign!” [pretty impressive for a 7 year old to ask for a sign, huh? I thought so too now that I think about it ] . I sat looking out my bedroom window – over the pasture as I often did when I was in my room, wishing for all the answers to the wonders of the world. I just wanted to understand…

After a few minutes I sat back on my pillow and to my right I had a tall glass of Apple Juice. For some reason I felt impressed to look at it sitting sturdy on top of my dresser drawers. As I glanced at it, it lifted off the dresser and off onto the ground! Obviously this moment impressed upon my testimony that I have never forgotten the details of this event. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my Grandpa heard my plea, my 7 year old prayer of faith and I was ready to see – to hear his answer in the way he presented it.

So, I may not have had a Grandpa or a Grandma to take to school – but I had my Grandpa as an angel everywhere I go in life. Whenever I need him – I know he’ll be there as he showed me he would. Pretty lucky.

[Picture of Grandma & Grandpa B.] :

***

That wasn’t the first time I had an ‘angel’ give me a sign of their presence. As a young child, alone without grandparents – I adopted them as my ‘imaginary friends’. I took them to school with me, I had ‘tea party’s’ with them and took them on all the trips we went to (i.e. Camping, trips down-town, on the airplane, etc). Everywhere I went, they went. On one particular day, I relayed a message that I heard my Grandma (who I never met before – in this mortal life) tell me – to tell to my Mom. Well, I was shocked to see my Mom just burst into tears! What on earth?!

Later, my older sister came up to me with serious eyes and said, “ How did you know that? Mom started crying because you said something only Grandma would know to say to Mom. How did you know that? “ Ummm… I didn’t know what to say! I was only 7 years old! I never knew Grandma. Well, I guess I know her to some degree, as she was one of my ‘best imaginary friends’ as a child

***

The earliest ‘vivid’ dream I can remember was in Kindergarten where my Mom turned into a Bear – asked me to jump on her back and escape from the guy who would take little children – blindfold them – and put an Alligator by them so they wouldn’t run away – and then shoot them with a canon ball. I wrote this dream down with full illustrations in my Kindergarten Journal. Pretty funny – but SO SCARY at the time. The reason I share this dream, is because in nearly every nightmare I’ve ever had – it’s been of my Mom dying. I am SO SCARED of my Mom dying. Maybe this is due to my Mom’s deep depression over her Mother dying at a young age (Grandma died of Breast Cancer when she was 63, my Mom was in her late 30’s when she died)- so this fear has been fully-ingrained into my mind from a young age… who knows. But its basically the only nightmares I ever have. Sometimes I just wake up sobbing, Clark turns over and asks what’s wrong, and it’s almost always a nightmare of my Mom dying. Thankfully they don’t happen that often. Maybe once or twice a year.

***

Soon my imaginary friends drifted away and became simply – my trusted “secret” angels. I’d call to them quietly on occasion – and still do – when I get scared or just feeling lonely. I focused on my friends in life as I got older. In elementary it seemed that several came and went, those ‘off and on’ type of friends. When I entered Jr. High – I was SO thrilled to meet a friend I was certain would be a friend for life! The reason I was so excited, was because I grew up watching my Mom go to lunch with her loyal best-friend who she’s had since she was 3 years old! My sister also had a friend who was ALWAYS around, and still is a very close friend of hers.  I always wanted a friend like that – who I knew would be there for me when I was old like my Mom (lol).

I had a neighbor friend at the time who I’d play with often, but she was – at the time – an ‘on and off’ friend. We’d always get in tiff’s, which we laugh about today. I guess I had high-expectations as a child, or maybe my imaginary friends seemed better friends than the ones in real life. Who knows.

Anyways, back to Jr. High. In Jr. High I had a friend who I thought was the real deal. Through all 3 years of school there she and I would ‘play’ at her house, go tanning, watch movies. We did stuff ALL the time! Life seemed perfect. We had plans for High School and College, we were set for life. BFF’s! Then High School rolled around the corner and it was the big week. Year book pictures were scheduled that week as well as orientation. I was so nervous! I called her to see what she was up to that week, but couldn’t get a hold of her. Called and called again – nothing. Then a few days later I got a letter in the mail. In it she outlined all the many reasons why she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. She told me to basically ‘go away!’

I was crushed. I look back on my year book picture and it was pretty obvious I had been crying. My Mom remembers me crying for 2 weeks straight. Yeah… my imaginary friends were a bit better. I hated my first year of High School for the most part. But I did make some great friends in Track that I have fond memories of. In observation of my past behavior – I, by instinct kept everyone at a distance. I didn’t want another letter – or to be told the reasons why they had to leave.

*Side note about this event/story. Since then we’ve made amends and realize we were young and naive. All is good. I hold no negativity towards her – but the event simply represents part of my instinctive fear of people vanishing in my life and why I have a hard time with it.

***

The first year of High School – by the end of it started to not be so bad. I started finding boys being more of a loyal friend then girls…

My first job was when I was 13 – working for my sister at her floral shop. My first job outside of that one was when I was 16 – working at Lagoon. That’s when I met my first boyfriend. Though he was more of a best-friend then a guy I dated (although he was my first kiss). I’ve spoken about him a few times on my blog already – he’s a big part of why I fear Clark dying…

At work we would always hang out, when not at work we were always talking on the phone or chatting on the internet, or emailing back and forth. He’s the one who introduced me to writing poems. One day he came running to me after work and just fell in my arms. Just sobbing. He confided in me that his best friend just killed himself. He found him in his room hanging in his closet. It was very traumatic for him. After that he had a really hard time in life. Girls breaking his heart and stress at home.

He was such a sweet guy with a very tender heart. I could share anything with him and he felt the same way with me, several emails just venting to me about life. Again – like the story above – I felt I found my BFF!  Then one day…

He was weeks away from leaving on his mission. He had come home from USU to prepare for his departure. For a reason I didn’t think to think twice about, how he had traveled to all his friends houses to just visit. He came to my house and greeted my Mom with a “Hello Mom!” That really touched my Mom. She loved it. We sat and chatted for a long while. Then he had to leave to go home. I thought nothing of it, I’d talk to him I’m sure tomorrow.

Tomorrow came, heard nothing from him. Two days later, still nothing. I called – no answer. Called again – then his Dad answered the phone. I asked for him – his Dad said he wasn’t available. Then he choked up and told me the bad news. He had killed himself. I was DEVASTATED! NO NO NO NO NO – NO MORE! I said aloud. If a heart could literally break – I felt that mine did. It had shattered to powder – gone.

The next couple of years I had checked out of life. Anorexia and Bulimia had become my mode of thinking and I just wanted 1 ticket to a place – ANYWHERE but where people kept leaving my life.

Then slowly but surely  – with a great deal of help from God, family, friends and some awesome counselors – I found reality and let go of irrationality. There’s more to life then what friends decide to do. I can focus on ME and make me a great and strong person. I could be the loyal friend to others who felt broken hearted the same way I did. I could be the change that I wished to see in the world. ♥

***

I fear Clark running an errand and he gets in a car crash, and I’m left alone here (I think about this when I call him and don’t get a response for a LONG time) – thousands of miles away from family… I mean, I have my ‘family’ in the ward (thank goodness!) but… you get what I mean… I fear a painful death when he dies or when I die… I know – so not worth my time to worry about…

What is the reality of this fear? I’ve learned that the reality is – I’ll survive. I’ve survived before – I’ll survive again. If Clark ‘bites the dust’, kicks the can, pushes daisy’s – whatever – it’ll be his time to go and hopefully soon – under God’s time-table, I’ll be not too far behind. I can’t help but wish though – that like the end of the movie The Notebook, Clark and I will go at the same time when we’re old. I would love that.

What is the Good News about all this? These are the types of things I speak about with my Counselor. I want to – and I will be free of worries, sadness, and anger that holds me back from happiness and a ‘light’ life. These are the types of things that make me who I am today – and what will make me a stronger person as I learn to let go of them, for a brighter me in the future. I am thankful for these experiences, for what they teach me. It’s OK to love someone enough to allow them to teach you about life – and it is OK to let them go. They came into your life for a reason, take that reason – that lesson in life and make sure it applies to you as a positive. With that – you’ll be the gift in someone elses life that you were always meant to be  – and the cycle of life – of love – will continue on, making the world more of a Heaven full of peace.