Chapter 2. Anger
If I could be granted 1 wish for my children, if I could do only 1 thing right – I would hope and pray that my children grow up surrounded with such a grand abundance of Love that Anger could never be able to dwell in their presence.
I wrote earlier about how sensitive I am. I grew up with both a lot of challenges surrounding me, but also with love. I wouldn’t trade my family for anything – because as hard as part of my ‘growing up years’ was – I learned SO much and it made me who I am today. There is a lot that I want to remember, because it’s worth learning from.
Every child, with few possible exceptions, is the product of a home, be it good, bad, or indifferent. As children grow through the years, their lives, in large measure, become an extension and a reflection of family teaching. If there is harshness, abuse, uncontrolled anger, disloyalty, the fruits will be certain and discernible, and in all likelihood they will be repeated in the generation that follows. If, on the other hand, there is forbearance, forgiveness, respect, consideration, kindness, mercy, and compassion, the fruits again will be discernible, and they will be eternally rewarding. They will be positive and sweet and wonderful. And as mercy is given and taught by parents, it will be repeated in the lives and actions of the next generation (from Ensign, May 1990, 70).
How often do we stop and listen to ourselves when we get ‘haughty’ or short-tempered? How often do we stop and think of how this will affect our children or the children who are a part of our lives? Do we excuse ourselves from the dinner table when a disagreement is sparked between us and a family member/spouse and go to a private room to resolve it peacefully? Or do we take the selfish route and belittle our spouse/relative/friend in front of our children?
There are several people I grew up with who you could TOTALLY tell their parents had contention between them. It radiates off their body like a fresh bruise, a bruise of a broken heart in their eyes. I don’t think we realize how much it means to a child to feel secure like a warm blanket wrapped around them – knowing their parents love each other. To go home to a house founded and created upon love – the same love that brought them into this world.
If I learned anything from the recent book I read for part of my counseling, is that we are all victims of victims and if we grew up with a negative influence/experience in our lives and we refuse to learn how to STOP the habit – we will by instinct and learned behavior give our children the same experience and the same learned behavior. There is NO one to blame, but ourselves if we don’t stop the habit. It’s not our parents, it’s not our childhood school teacher, it’s not the neighbor next door – or the distant relative’s fault. It’s our own fault if we don’t seek help and guidance in how to grow OUT of the habit, let it all go and become the better person. We can’t change others, but we can change and refine ourselves – because we are always in control of ourselves.
25 Ye say that this people is a guilty and a fallen people, because of the transgression of a parent. Behold, I say that a child is not guilty because of its parents.
Often times children fall victim of an unaware parent/teacher/relative/”friend” who reacts upon learned behavior and here is what happens:
Witnessing anger or conflict can be aversive for children and it is often associated with increased arousal, distress, and aggression as well as long-term adjustment difficulties including behavioral, emotional, social, and academic problems. Children from homes characterized by high conflict appear to be vulnerable to externalizing problems such as verbal and physical aggression, noncompliance, and delinquency, as well as internalizing problems such as depression and anxiety (Cummings and Davies 1994). Typically, however, stronger associations are found with externalizing rather than internalizing problems. Living with marital conflict also increases the risk of children displaying poor interpersonal skills and low levels of social competence (Cummings, Davies, and Campbell 2000).
Summary of the Research on the Effects of Conflict
* Some children respond to parental conflict by acting out. They may demonstrate behavior problems, increased anger and inability to manage anger, violent behavior, delinquency, and gang involvement.
* Some children respond to parental conflict by turning inward. They are likely to demonstrate depression (we are prescribing anti-depressants for children at an alarming rate), isolation from friends and activities, physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches, ulcers etc., and substance abuse.
* Children who are exposed to parental conflict do not interact well with others. These kids often have very poor social skills, low self esteem and poor relationships when they become adults.
* Some children exposed to high conflict have trouble thinking. Advances in neuropsychology have shown that when exposed to conflict our brains release stress hormones that over time can actually change brain functioning. Scary stuff! The effects of being exposed to conflict show up as problems in school, truancy, impaired thinking (things like problem-solving, abstract reasoning, memory are affected) and symptoms that mimic Attention Deficit Disorder.
["The Effects of Conflict The High Price Your Children Pay"]
Let us not hurt the ones we love the most by selfish criticism! In our families, small arguments and petty criticisms, if allowed to go unchecked, can poison relationships and escalate into estrangements, even abuse and divorce. Instead, just like we learned with the poisonous venom, we must “make full haste” to reduce arguments, eliminate ridicule, do away with criticism, and remove resentment and anger. We cannot afford to let such dangerous passions ruminate—not even one day.
The Savior said, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” 5
This is not to say that forgiveness is easy. When someone has hurt us or those we care about, that pain can almost be overwhelming. It can feel as if the pain or the injustice is the most important thing in the world and that we have no choice but to seek vengeance. But Christ, the Prince of Peace, teaches us a better way. It can be very difficult to forgive someone the harm they’ve done us, but when we do, we open ourselves up to a better future. No longer does someone else’s wrongdoing control our course. When we forgive others, it frees us to choose how we will live our own lives. Forgiveness means that problems of the past no longer dictate our destinies, and we can focus on the future with God’s love in our hearts.
We’re all trying our best, and never want to hurt our children. But it’s worth evaluating our actions with an open and honest [and humble] mind. It’s never too late to fix what might be broken…
Forgiveness really is key. We HAVE TO let go, or else we will forever be bound by the contention – by the evil that hurt us.
We cannot change, if we don’t understand the root of where our neg. behavior stems from. In order to discover, we have to be patient with ourselves and others. We have to be willing and open to forgive, and to allow God to help us heal. Be willing to feel at times pain, sadness and fear. Allow ourselves to feel, and to let love in. To trust in our feelings and trust others again. To forgive and choose to love, as God loves. To say His same words “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Because it’s true… if someone honestly realized what they were doing – and the consequences thereof, do you truly feel they would continue doing what they were doing? I think they would run like heck, hide and repent like their life depended on it – because it does! 
The actual change begins with the Forgiveness – which means letting go >> choose to love unconditionally >> and forgetting as God remembers our trespasses no more. The greater sin is not forgiving- and how can we feel happy if we hold on to the negative? God can’t bless us with His healing love if we block His gift with negativity. We HAVE to let it go, and give it to the wind COMPLETELY so the change can be permanent.
Knowing that we are in mortality to learn and to develop our faith, we should understand that there must be opposition in all things. During a family council in my own home, my wife said, “When you may think that someone has a perfect family, you just do not know them well enough.”
Brothers and sisters, as parents let us heed the admonition, even the rebuke, given by the Lord to Joseph Smith and the leaders of the Church in 1833 to “set in order [our] own house” (D&C 93:43). “I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth” (D&C 93:40). “Set in order [our] family, and see that they are more diligent and concerned at home, and pray always, or they shall be removed out of their place” (D&C 93:50).
The prophets of our day have given a similar admonition and warning to parents to set in order our families. May we be blessed with the inspiration and love to meet opposition with faith within our families. We will then know that our trials are to draw us closer to the Lord and to one another. May we listen to a prophet’s voice and set in order our own homes (see D&C 93:41–49). The family is strengthened as we draw near to the Lord, and each member of the family is strengthened as we lift and strengthen and love and care for one another. “Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee, and we’ll ascend together” (Quaker proverb).
["Strengthening Families: Our Sacred Duty"]
10 Behold I say unto you that this thing shall ye teach—repentance and baptism unto those who are aaccountable and capable of committing sin; yea, teach parents that they must repent and be baptized, and humble themselves as their little bchildren, and they shall all be saved with their little children.
