Where it Began – Where it Will End

I am at the part of my workbook where it is speaking about Criticism & Judgment. It asks what did you learn about criticism from your mother/father, same question about judgment and did you have loving and supportive teachers at school, etc etc. Then it had me do an exercise on Replacing your “shoulds” saying:

As I have said many times, I believe that “should” is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use it, we are in effect, saying “wrong”. Either we are wrong, or we were wrong, or we are going to be wrong. I would like to take the word “should” out of our vocabulary forever, and replace it with the word “could”. “Could” gives us choice and we are never wrong. Think of five things that you “should” do.

I gave these five:

1. I should lose weight
2. I should dress up more
3. I should clean more
4. I should read more
5. I should be less critical of others and myself

Then she said to replace SHOULD with COULD.

1. I could lose weight
2. I could dress up more
3. I could clean more
4. I could read more
5. I could be less critical of others and myself

The next exercise was Your Critical List – “Make a list of five things you criticize yourself for:”

1. Weight – ‘92 (2nd grade)
2. Acne – ‘97
3. Dress – Appearance – ‘1st year of Jr. High
4. Hair – 5th grade
5. What I don’t do enough (i.e. Read, Art, etc) – 2007

She explained:

Now, go back over that list and put a date beside each one — the date that you began to add that item to your “get wrong” list.

Isn’t it amazing how long you have been picking on yourself for the same thing? This habit has not produced any positive changes has it? Exactly. Criticism doesn’t work! It only makes you feel bad. So, be willing to stop it.

In order for a child to grow and blossom, it needs love, acceptance, and praise. We can be shown “better” ways to do things without making the way we do it “wrong”. The child inside of you still needs that love and approval.

• “I love you and know that you are doing the best you can.”
• “You become more wonderful every day.”
• “I approve of you.”
• “Let’s see if we can find a better way to do this.”
• “Growing and changing is fun, and we can do it together.”

These are words that children want to hear. It makes them feel good. When they feel good, they do their best. They unfold beautifully.

If your child, or your inner child, is used to constantly being “wrong,” it may take awhile for them to accept the new, positive words. If you make a definite decision to release criticism, and are consistent, you can work miracles…

What struck a repressed memory when she asked when I began to criticize my weight – I had what you call in therapy, a ‘break-through’. It’s been a LONG time. I hadn’t thought about “my story of where it began” for quite some time. It began in 2nd grade…

***

In 2nd grade I was playing out on the playground on what we called ‘The Big Toy’.  A tall and slim 6th grade boy came up to me and said “Why are you so fat?” I didn’t know what to say, I hadn’t really thought much about my weight before. I didn’t say anything. He then said, “Why aren’t you saying anything? SAY SOMETHING!” When I didn’t reply, he then kicked me right square in my gut and said “WHY ARE YOU SO FAT?!” By this point I was just sobbing, both because it hurt and because I didn’t know why he was asking me this! He kicked me again, this time toppling me over into the sand off of the ‘big toy’. I picked myself up and ran into my school room. Just sobbing I told my teacher everything, and got the boy in trouble (hehe).

After that day, I truly believe I manifested and attracted that type of behavior. Because I believed him. Repeatedly I was the last kid picked at recess to play. One particular event, the kids were separating themselves into teams to play baseball. I was the last one to choose and there was dead silence. I remember this game because it hurt SO BAD that nobody wanted me. I was on the verge of bursting into tears when finally the ‘team-captain’ Robbie picked me. Later that day I think he felt bad because he stood up for me in class when I was being picked on, another kid asking him “Why did you pick her, she’s so big… do you like her?” He said back in bold tone, “She’s NICE ok?!” I thought that was very sweet of him. It made me feel good to hear that.

Similar story, Dodgeball game – last kid picked. After the game, a girl named Joni came up to me – very friendly and we sat on the curb. She told me that she worries about what others think about her weight too. She said that what helps her is to suck in her stomach ‘like this’. I could have totally took what she was saying wrong, now that I think about it – but I was SO happy to have a friend who wanted to help me rather than tease me. I felt that she looked out for me after that day, and I really appreciated her friendship.

Elementary school-days were both good and bad, but after that day in 2nd grade – I began to internalize everything. The way kids looked and spoke to me. How family members looked and spoke to me – I took EVERYTHING personal. The way they said things and the words they chose to use, when I am sure the intention was not meant how I took it.

Now, the kid who kicked me, the ‘team-captains’ who picked me last, I do not blame them for the way I learned to internalize everything to this day — where I am now making a change. They were doing the best they knew how, with what they learned so far in life. Who knows where they learned to poke fun or criticize others. We’re all victims of victims and we truly have no one to blame. Not even ourselves. What we can do, is become aware of where we learned the behavior and choose to be different. To be more loving and kinder to others and ourselves. To not play the ‘blame-game’, but love and sympathize for others limitations.

This ‘break-through’ has really helped me. I feel the change, in becoming more and more aware of where all my current behaviors root from, and now I can choose to be different and make a permanent change. This is where the negative behaviors end and a more beautiful and loving me begins.

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