Ch 1. Fear
31 May
Forward
Why do I share? These days I don’t really know what to BLOG about – but I do know what I want to Journal about. Stuff I want to remember – so I can better understand why I feel the way I feel, and why I do the things I do in the present/future. This way life becomes less confusing. Also, I want to journal about my past, present and future-hopes, to share with my children – so they can understand me better and possibly themselves. So yeah – you may wonder why does Becky write about this – that’s weird… ummm… well – if you don’t understand, that’s unfortunate. I’m sorry you don’t – but I do and that’s why I’m writing about it
It’s medicinal.
I’ll write them in Chapters… kind of like a Biography book – because this will be about all major events in my life that make-up me. Like a recipe, these are all my ingredients- both big and small in measure. If you want to know what makes Rebecca – Rebecca, these are it. They won’t all be as gloomy as this first chapter – I thought I’d start with the darkish and end with the light. Because as I understand and survive the dark, my life gets lighter and lighter.
The long and the short of it, I have a fear of people dying – leaving me behind. Logic makes sense when you stop and think about it- they’re going to a much better place. They become your angels, and everything is ok. I get it. But still, when I think of Clark possibly dying – it makes me cry and freak out internally. To better understand why I feel the way I feel, I’ll start from the beginning…
When I was brought into my family – I had only one grandparent. When I was 5 years old, he passed away. I didn’t think much of it at the time – but when Kindergarten came around the corner and they had ‘Grandparent’s Day’ – I walked up to my Mom and said “But I don’t have anyone to bring to school with me?” I ended up bringing my Grandpa’s sister to school – but it still wasn’t the same.
I sat in my bedroom the day ‘Grandparent’s Day’ was announced, and cried and cried. Alone in my room I said a little 7 year olds prayer, asking my Grandpa – the only one I knew – “Please Grandpa Don, if you’re near me – please show me a sign!” [pretty impressive for a 7 year old to ask for a sign, huh? I thought so too now that I think about it ] . I sat looking out my bedroom window – over the pasture as I often did when I was in my room, wishing for all the answers to the wonders of the world. I just wanted to understand…
After a few minutes I sat back on my pillow and to my right I had a tall glass of Apple Juice. For some reason I felt impressed to look at it sitting sturdy on top of my dresser drawers. As I glanced at it, it lifted off the dresser and off onto the ground! Obviously this moment impressed upon my testimony that I have never forgotten the details of this event. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that my Grandpa heard my plea, my 7 year old prayer of faith and I was ready to see – to hear his answer in the way he presented it.
So, I may not have had a Grandpa or a Grandma to take to school – but I had my Grandpa as an angel everywhere I go in life. Whenever I need him – I know he’ll be there as he showed me he would. Pretty lucky.
[Picture of Grandma & Grandpa B.] :
***
That wasn’t the first time I had an ‘angel’ give me a sign of their presence. As a young child, alone without 
grandparents – I adopted them as my ‘imaginary friends’. I took them to school with me, I had ‘tea party’s’ with them and took them on all the trips we went to (i.e. Camping, trips down-town, on the airplane, etc). Everywhere I went, they went. On one particular day, I relayed a message that I heard my Grandma (who I never met before – in this mortal life) tell me – to tell to my Mom. Well, I was shocked to see my Mom just burst into tears! What on earth?!
Later, my older sister came up to me with serious eyes and said, “ How did you know that? Mom started crying because you said something only Grandma would know to say to Mom. How did you know that? “ Ummm… I didn’t know what to say! I was only 7 years old! I never knew Grandma. Well, I guess I know her to some degree, as she was one of my ‘best imaginary friends’ as a child 
***
The earliest ‘vivid’ dream I can remember was in Kindergarten where my Mom turned into a Bear – asked me to jump on her back and escape from the guy who would take little children – blindfold them – and put an Alligator by them so they wouldn’t run away – and then shoot them with a canon ball. I wrote this dream down with full illustrations in my Kindergarten Journal. Pretty funny – but SO SCARY at the time. The reason I share this dream, is because in nearly every nightmare I’ve ever had – it’s been of my Mom dying. I am SO SCARED of my Mom dying. Maybe this is due to my Mom’s deep depression over her Mother dying at a young age (Grandma died of Breast Cancer when she was 63, my Mom was in her late 30′s when she died)- so this fear has been fully-ingrained into my mind from a young age… who knows. But its basically the only nightmares I ever have. Sometimes I just wake up sobbing, Clark turns over and asks what’s wrong, and it’s almost always a nightmare of my Mom dying. Thankfully they don’t happen that often. Maybe once or twice a year.
***
Soon my imaginary friends drifted away and became simply – my trusted “secret” angels. I’d call to them quietly on occasion – and still do – when I get scared or just feeling lonely. I focused on my friends in life as I got older. In elementary it seemed that several came and went, those ‘off and on’ type of friends. When I entered Jr. High – I was SO thrilled to meet a friend I was certain would be a friend for life! The reason I was so excited, was because I grew up watching my Mom go to lunch with her loyal best-friend who she’s had since she was 3 years old! My sister also had a friend who was ALWAYS around, and still is a very close friend of hers. I always wanted a friend like that – who I knew would be there for me when I was old like my Mom (lol).
I had a neighbor friend at the time who I’d play with often, but she was – at the time – an ‘on and off’ friend. We’d always get in tiff’s, which we laugh about today. I guess I had high-expectations as a child, or maybe my imaginary friends seemed better friends than the ones in real life. Who knows.
Anyways, back to Jr. High. In Jr. High I had a friend who I thought was the real deal. Through all 3 years of school there she and I would ‘play’ at her house, go tanning, watch movies. We did stuff ALL the time! Life seemed perfect. We had plans for High School and College, we were set for life. BFF’s! Then High School rolled around the corner and it was the big week. Year book pictures were scheduled that week as well as orientation. I was so nervous! I called her to see what she was up to that week, but couldn’t get a hold of her. Called and called again – nothing. Then a few days later I got a letter in the mail. In it she outlined all the many reasons why she didn’t want to be my friend anymore. She told me to basically ‘go away!’ 
I was crushed. I look back on my year book picture and it was pretty obvious I had been crying. My Mom remembers me crying for 2 weeks straight. Yeah… my imaginary friends were a bit better. I hated my first year of High School for the most part. But I did make some great friends in Track that I have fond memories of. In observation of my past behavior – I, by instinct kept everyone at a distance. I didn’t want another letter – or to be told the reasons why they had to leave.
*Side note about this event/story. Since then we’ve made amends and realize we were young and naive. All is good. I hold no negativity towards her – but the event simply represents part of my instinctive fear of people vanishing in my life and why I have a hard time with it.
***
The first year of High School – by the end of it started to not be so bad. I started finding boys being more of a loyal friend then girls…
My first job was when I was 13 – working for my sister at her floral shop. My first job outside of that one was when I was 16 – working at Lagoon. That’s when I met my first boyfriend. Though he was more of a best-friend then a guy I dated (although he was my first kiss). I’ve spoken about him a few times on my blog already – he’s a big part of why I fear Clark dying…
At work we would always hang out, when not at work we were always talking on the phone or chatting on the internet, or emailing back and forth. He’s the one who introduced me to writing poems. One day he came running to me after work and just fell in my arms. Just sobbing. He confided in me that his best friend just killed himself. He found him in his room hanging in his closet. It was very traumatic for him. After that he had a really hard time in life. Girls breaking his heart and stress at home.
He was such a sweet guy with a very tender heart. I could share anything with him and he felt the same way with me, several emails just venting to me about life. Again – like the story above – I felt I found my BFF! Then one day…
He was weeks away from leaving on his mission. He had come home from USU to prepare for his departure. For a reason I didn’t think to think twice about, how he had traveled to all his friends houses to just visit. He came to my house and greeted my Mom with a “Hello Mom!” That really touched my Mom. She loved it. We sat and chatted for a long while. Then he had to leave to go home. I thought nothing of it, I’d talk to him I’m sure tomorrow.
Tomorrow came, heard nothing from him. Two days later, still nothing. I called – no answer. Called again – then his Dad answered the phone. I asked for him – his Dad said he wasn’t available. Then he choked up and told me the bad news. He had killed himself. I was DEVASTATED! NO NO NO NO NO – NO MORE! I said aloud. If a heart could literally break – I felt that mine did. It had shattered to powder – gone.
The next couple of years I had checked out of life. Anorexia and Bulimia had become my mode of thinking and I just wanted 1 ticket to a place – ANYWHERE but where people kept leaving my life.
Then slowly but surely – with a great deal of help from God, family, friends and some awesome counselors – I found reality and let go of irrationality. There’s more to life then what friends decide to do. I can focus on ME and make me a great and strong person. I could be the loyal friend to others who felt broken hearted the same way I did. I could be the change that I wished to see in the world. ♥
***
I fear Clark running an errand and he gets in a car crash, and I’m left alone here (I think about this when I call him and don’t get a response for a LONG time) – thousands of miles away from family… I mean, I have my ‘family’ in the ward (thank goodness!) but… you get what I mean… I fear a painful death when he dies or when I die… I know – so not worth my time to worry about…
What is the reality of this fear? I’ve learned that the reality is – I’ll survive. I’ve survived before – I’ll survive again. If Clark ‘bites the dust’, kicks the can, pushes daisy’s – whatever – it’ll be his time to go and hopefully soon – under God’s time-table, I’ll be not too far behind. I can’t help but wish though – that like the end of the movie The Notebook, Clark and I will go at the same time when we’re old. I would love that.
What is the Good News about all this? These are the types of things I speak about with my Counselor. I want to – and I will be free of worries, sadness, and anger that holds me back from happiness and a ‘light’ life. These are the types of things that make me who I am today – and what will make me a stronger person as I learn to let go of them, for a brighter me in the future. I am thankful for these experiences, for what they teach me. It’s OK to love someone enough to allow them to teach you about life – and it is OK to let them go. They came into your life for a reason, take that reason – that lesson in life and make sure it applies to you as a positive. With that – you’ll be the gift in someone elses life that you were always meant to be – and the cycle of life – of love – will continue on, making the world more of a Heaven full of peace.
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